feeling drained..

this week was really a tired for me... i felt tired physically, mentally and emotionally...
physical there's nothing for me to say... late nights plus my anemia condition... then my mind has been always full of things to think about, to plan... then worries and fears will just keep popping out.. its rather irritating and i feel that i have been feeling irritated really easily this week... haiz.. that why caused me to feel tired emotionally as well. and i find myself becoming very sad whenever there is no one i know around me... i can feel immediately that my face turn black, but i really find no reason to smile or look happy... 怎么办呢？haiz..actually long wanted to have a break already, to take time to have peace and quiet, to ot be distracted by any of my worries and concerns... but it just turned out that something else just seem more important.. i guess that's why i ended up in such a jialat state now...
but alright la, not feeling pathetic about myself, but there is still fear of not being able to manage in the coming week and i sense my complain spirit building up!!! want to complain to God why make me go through this... then i will aiya, i know la you want me to conquer them and grow stronger... had been sharing that to people, i guess now is the time i get tested in this area and really live this out for others to see.. which is according to the season i identified myself to be in =) haha so... 是我自找的..haha reminded of what meixuan say during one of our follow up, haha she say 没有辛苦过哪里会得到.. haha so funny... but its true that we need to go through to conquer haha... i shall accept it with joy right?

feel so much better now.. anyway, calyn shared before its good to have an anchor verse to hold on to to make sure i struggle and go through things with God and fight against the schemes of the devil..
For this, i shall anchor on

Romans 8:28-30
²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,^j]"> who^k]"> have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Stoning

haha... this post is about one of my hobbies!! lol... recently have been stoning more... think there was a period i didn't stone for very long, but i guess recently there were quite a lot of worries in my mind, which i'm still trying to work with God to drive away...

Just randomly got a 'revelation' about stoning. May not be true for everyone but at least this is the case for me. There were people telling me that stoning isn't good but never really gave me a convincing answer... i'm not someone easily convinced!! haha cos for me, stoning is not idling of the mind. in fact, my mind is rather active when i'm stoning. i'm thinking about things, most of the time actually thinking about what is going to happen. 'foretell' the future in my mind, running through what is likely to happen. Doesn't seem to be anything bad right? in fact such thinking can lead to a well-thought decision. it is something good that i should practise. However, the thing about stoning is that i don't come to any conclusion. that is why people see me in a daze and when they ask why do i look like that, i'll just respond that i'm stoning. because there is no conclusion to share... realise that this is actually something quite dangerous. i can't leave my thoughts hanging there!! i need to make sense, need to conclude. because, what if the thought was a negative one and i leave it there untouched, it will just cause any situation to worsen. making sense is very important.
Alright, so actually i want to resolve to stop stoning. I need to make sense of the things i'm thinking about...

God, our ever-present help

was reading Joshua for QT this morning, and was amazed by the way God has led Israel to conquer the lands, how he allowed miracles to happen so that the Israelites may be victorious everytime. Then i was reminded that i'm the spiritual israelite, which means God will also bless me in that very same way =) and i came up with this.... (not in any excellent literature, but the meaning is there and that is what is important)

The Lord wants Seow Wei to have good health, so that she can be more efficient in her work & will have more time to serve Him. Because the Lord wants her to have good health, He will drive away the discomfort and the symptoms of weak health away, miracles will happen so that Seow Wei may have a strong and healthy body again =))

Psalm 46:1
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Dizzy Spells

... previously posted that i have been tired during the week... haiz think it got worse, had dizzy spells since friday... but today is alot better already =))
Felt really really tired on friday, slept through almost all my lectures of friday... actually wanted to try to keep awake.. then my friend say i look really tired, might as well just sleep through the lecture for my elective... haha that actually reminded me that last week i slept during the same lecture and only wake up cos my friend nudged me to say there's a surprise quiz!! haha... and there really was a surprise quiz again on that day!!
anyway, that time was just feeling tired, its only after i got home then the dizzy spells started... haiz.. the first time i experience it was when i stood up after sitting on the sofa for some time... things around became blur and dark and started spinning... so i quick grabbed onto something and took a seat... felt that it wasn't as good sign, so went to bed immediately... so i slept at 10.30pm and woke up at 8.30am.. a full 10 hours... when i woke up, just felt tired, not dizzy, so went to m'sia with my parents, they went to get tickets for the coach to terrenganu (malaysia), they are leaving on 3nov and won't be back before 22nov...don't know whether i can go through such a long time without my mum waking me up, making breakfast for me.... and my dad to talk to... having to take care of certain household chores... my parents jokingly called me kun ka loi, which is 管家女in cantonese...haha meaning i will be in charge of the household during the perios they are away...haha anyway i think partly because of the travelling, when i got back, was terribly tired so i went back to take a nap before going for caregroup... this time started to feel abit dizzy after alighting from the bus i took to go for CG, but at least still could walk, as long as i avoid looking at things that are moving vigorously, it's still alright... ( the typing is causing me to be a little dizzy again..) anyway, think i affected the caregroup... but i guess this is not within my control... feel quite sad about this... i don't know why exactly i get these dizzy spells... but fainty and blurred/blocked vision is not uncommon for me whenever i stand up after sitting for a long time...my mum says that its cos of anemia and gives me some herbal /tonic drink and soup.... i really don't think i didn't take care of my body.... i slept more when i sense that i felt more tired than usual... actually i just found out, i have alot of symptoms of iron deficiency anemia... wondering if i should go and see a doc about it..cos anaemia is quite common and many carry on undetected... so don't know whether it will help, cause i don't wish to waste the money... maybe i should finish the iron tablets i got from trying to donate blood.... but i always keep forgetting to eat...
anyway i just really hope that the dizziness and tiredness will go away soon... want to study for my test on wed and also plan to start on my revision asap... God, please help me!!

God, I'm rather traumatised...

This week had been feeling rather dry and tired...it's actually not a xiong week for me... only had a lab report, one homework, normal workload for me... but really feel quite sian, everytime i want to study, i ended up just starring at the notes and can't focus in lectures as well, either keep dozing off or start stoning...yea then cos i keep feeling tired, i slept earlier too... usually i sleep at 2plus but these few days only went to bed between 12 to 2am... so i don't understand why also and i have been having quite bad headaches in the morning during the week... dunno why..

yea anyway, want to move on the talk about the things that traumatised me... ytd went home late cos of shepherding... yup then was taking 180 home with chee harn...yup then there was this road junction which i saw two ambulance and a police car... then, being curious, i looked out further and saw something on the ground which, at first i couldn't recognise was a crushed motorcycle... i think it's only about half the original size already... and there was alot of blood on the ground around it... and the blood looked as if it was splattered out..scary... and the civil defence people covered something which i think is the body of the motorcyclist... i was rather scared and didn't want to admit that the motorcyclist died during the crash... so i didn't tell chee harn about what i saw, i just told him a there is a car accident and omitted the part about the body... i think death to me is really something scary, that's why i really don't want to admit that they had pronounced the motorcyclist dead, even though it is quite obvious, how else will they cover up the whole body?
yup, and that wasn't enough, today i dropped off the bus when it reached my bus stop and just after taking a few steps, i saw the police tape used to close the pathway to go to the lake just opposite my house... then i saw a big crowd and several civil defence vehicles and police car... oh no! something bad happened again?! yup, i half wanted to go and take a look at what happened but also very afraid that i would see death again, so in the end i quickly rushed home, so that i could ask my parents whether they know what happened... on the way i just thought, even i feel so much about these people, what about their family, those who are close to them, their loved ones? what will they be feeling?
then i just thought that actually i could very easily be one of them... people close to me, my loved ones, my family, my friends, they are not in any way accident-free; disaster-immune... i could have to face such thing anytime, though i really pray i would not... Then i just thought whether God might want to speak to me through this things that i see... i think this might be a reminder to share the Gospel with urgency, especially to my loved ones...i really want to do my 100% to make sure they know about God and how important God is in their lives before i lose the chance to do so...
Anyway, after that reached home and asked my parents, they told me the news reported that they had expected that 2 boys were washed off by the strong current in the drain due to the rainwater from the heavy downpour in the afternoon..

Feeling sad and emo now... God please restore me... give me strength to move on, i know that dwelling in such sorrow will not bring about anything good, so God help me to move on, i want to make a difference....

Physics Craze!!

Yup, this is it, madness in physics!! Well, what do you expect? i'm a physics student!! haha but don't worry, i'm not gone insane haha!! just that have been 'overloaded' with physics stuff lately.. yup, not necessarily a bad thing though, (even though i would still prefer not to be expected to understand so much stuff in physics) cos in the study of physics, i could see the fingerprints of God all around... To someone who has been given an intro to the subject, he'll probably think that science is wonderful and can explain all things. but now that i'm given more and more, it actually revealed to me that NO, science cannot explain why things happen... professors have been saying all things in science are postulates (that have been proven consistent empirically).. postulates meaning guesses... there is no prove why do we use this equation or why this constant...
take an example, the law of censervation of energy, which states that energy neither be created nor destroyed. Why? Why can't it? There is no explanation to it. The scientist just came out with this law because this is what we observe all the time. Yup, so science can't explain anything. It does not tell us how things work, it is just a study of how things work.
So, science can't explain anything, then what can? not too sure about the rest of you, but to me, i think the world is such a wonderful place and the way things work is so beautiful that there must be someone or something governing it. So this reveals that not only does the world has a creator, but this creator remains to govern the world. Convinced that this is God?

Really thank God for revealing these things to me. This could very well be why God has placed me in physics. It grew me so much in my faith and my understanding. I used to think science disproves God but i have no idea why. Now i know science does not disprove God and i can even share with those who like me, used to think science explains everything. God has been strengthening me in my mind!!

Definiton of Pride

Few days back, was spending time with two sisters and we were talking about pride.. At a point of time a sister said... pride is to think about myself more than I think about God.. love this definition =)

It caught me thinking how many times i have been thinking so much about myself... my mind is always so full of I, I, I and Is.... how about changing them all to God? that will involve a lot of change, but God is calling me to do that!!

Desert Song

=) very thankful for God for sustaining me this week. Well, it did had its share of ups and downs (with God). But glad everything work out right, and that i see God as a faithful God who really provides.

Start off by answering the question I wanted to think about since the last post, the question that Sengkim asked a few caregroups ago. About whether i can say to God that I can live simply because i have Him. Think God had been challenging me in this. haha cos i did include it in my prayer, so this is how God answers me and helps me. Just feel really amazed at how God always communicates me in very interesting ways... its like i have to take a big turn, then turn back to Him and afterwhich everything falls into place. Perhaps God is growing me in terms of listening to Him, waiting patiently for His will to be done. Why did i say that God challenged me? hmm, yup had things to struggle with.. role in caregroup, purpose in physics, difficulty in finances, striving to make a difference in my family... i think these are things really important to me at this moment, and i really want to handle everything well. But i think its really until now that i truly realise, these challenges are included purposefully in my life by God =)

Before doing this reflection of my week, i had always looked at these challenges as opportunityies given by God to grow myself, grow in managing, basically to grow to become a better person more equipped to serve Him. BUT, i missed out this important point of growing my relationship with Him as well... though it is in His plan that i grow to become a stronger person through the going through of trails and difficulties but what is more important... Just very reminded of Mary and Martha as i thought about this. I was like Martha, only looking at the external, my service to God, whether what i did made a difference. I forgot what is the more important, that anything that i go through, i seek to accomplish it with God, so that my relationship with Him will grow. My prayer for today: To be like Mary, seek to grow my relationship with God.

Very blessed by this song as well =)

Desert Song
Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Think it really speaks of how i desire to handle the things that i am going through right now...having the assurance that God will help me, understand that God refines and disciplines, having the confidence in Christ. It really allows me to express to God that whatever it may in my life, Lord you are still worthy of praise =) As i sing this song, i will always recall of times of trouble when i find it difficult to trust God, but things always turn out well and i see God's hand in it. and seeing this helps me to trust God in the present =)
Also really really like the last verse.. This is my prayer in the harvest, When favour and providence flow; I know i'm filled to be emptied again, The seed I've received I will sow.. I think cos i really what to claim that i understand that i'm filled to be emptied again =)
Something i really desire to do for God. I think to be able to really understand obey to this phrase, I will really be willing to give up all things for God. i think it is declaring that the earth has nothing i desire, God You are my only desire. You give to me what you want to me to have and I am a vessel to be used by you, i take no glory for the things i do bacause whatever i did it is You who has done it through me.

Thank you God for being so faithful to me, not forsaking me even as i stray away and wander from you and somethings rejecting Your will for me, thanks for calling and pulling me back. Lord continue to reveal to me how to desire for more of You in my life, help me Lord to remember to always seek to grow my relationship with You through the work you call me to do (which is everything that i'm doing now =)) Lord lead me and guide me in Your ways, which i know is a pleasant future =)